Chris Voss was one of top negotiators at the FBI. For years, Voss was brought in to negotiate when the stakes were literally life and death. He’s talked bank robbers into releasing hostages and convinced them to turn themselves in. I expected Voss to give me a glimpse into the high-stakes world of the FBI, but didn’t expect him to literally help me talk my way out of family conflict. In these pandemic times, family conflict can often feel like a hostage situation.
Since his stint at the FBI, Chris Voss transitioned to using his skills in the business world, translating his skills of hostage negotiation to business deals. He has since written a book on the art of negotiation, and he also teaches the Art of Negotiation on Master Class, a streaming lecture platform that offers a perfect blend of education and entertainment. You can learn economics from Nobel prize-winning economist Paul Krugman or learn how to do an ollie with Tony Hawk.
I decided to take Voss’s class less because I was interested in the “art of negotiation” and more because I was interested in getting a glimpse into the world of an FBI negotiator.
I didn’t expect that I’d actually put Voss’s tactics to use.
As we approach the first full year of pandemic and quarantine, I have to admit that my home has started to feel at times like a hostage situation. A little invisible virus that neither my boyfriend, my puppy, nor I can see is keeping us locked inside our homes, away from family and friends. The threat outside is real. If the virus chooses to strike one of us, all of us are likely to fall. While none of us has a pre-existing medical condition nor are we in an “at-risk” group, we’ve read enough to know that even mild illness comes with the risk of everything from lung damage to psychosis (see the New York Times).
I haven’t been able to see neither my parents nor my brothers in over a year. Like a hostage negotiator, I speak to my family over the phone or through text message. Unlike a hostage negotiator, the phone calls this year have often included pleas to my parents to stay inside, rather than to come out.
Having to communicate with family at a distance means that much gets lost in translation. The way you deliver your message can make a difference. Voss teaches that tone matters more than content. For high-stress negotiations, Chris Voss has a voice he calls the “Late Night FM DJ Voice.” It sounds just like it sounds. Voss may have found the “Late Night FM DJ Voice” helpful when luring bank robbers out of Chase Manhattan, but the voice may also be helpful in other scenarios. Examples could include trying to convince family members that they should not leave their homes to visit one another during a pandemic. The “Late Night FM DJ Voice” may also have been helpful to diffuse arguments in my own home regarding undone dishes.
Given that we’re all hostages now, and as a result have all become somewhat socially awkward, fights are common and setting boundaries has gotten more difficult.
I struggled with setting boundaries with one particular family member, who shall remain un-named to protect the innocent. Given that we live in different cities, I’ve had to acknowledge my limitations in being able to help him fully through his own, very real, COVID-19 struggles—I can barely help myself through my own. Mental illness runs in my family; protecting my mental health is a priority; without my mental health, I can’t be there for my family, nor for myself. Setting boundaries is essential. But setting boundaries at a time when the whole world is bound can be difficult.
When I failed to be available, I sometimes found myself subject to this family member’s insults. I found that restating my boundaries only increased the violence of the insults.
One afternoon, we had reached an impasse. I would no longer accept being insulted and if we could not talk without insults, we shouldn’t talk. The family member proceeded to let me know we’d never talk again.
“Fine,” I said. “Fine,” they said.
We had become calcified into our own perspectives, unable to see the other side.
Suddenly, I remembered something Chris Voss had mentioned in one of his lectures. Voss noted that “tactical empathy” didn’t mean we had to agree with “the other side’s” perspective, but that we had to take the time to understand how the other side saw the world.
Voss notes, “It’s not agreement in any way…” If you can understand what drives someone, you can change their outlook and decision-making.
Perhaps I didn’t need to agree with this particular family member’s way of treating me, but maybe there was a way I could see their perspective, to understand why they were treating me the way they were. If I could understand the source of the insults and anger, maybe I could get the insults to stop so that we could communicate more effectively.
Suddenly, I recalled two of the early tactics Voss taught in his Master Class: mirroring and labelling. As a last resort, I began mirroring and labelling my family member’s statements. Using tactical empathy to try to fully come to understand their perspective.
It wasn’t just that Voss’s tactics worked—which they did—but it was the speed in which they worked that shocked me. Within a minute, the conversation went from adversarial to collaborative. Within two minutes, my family member had stopped insulting me. Within five minutes, the family member apologized to me.
I don’t think Voss necessarily cared to get to know his hostage-takers. But when it comes to family and loved ones, we can sometimes be oblivious to the people closest to us. Sometimes, a simple change in how we approach one another can not only release us from being hostage to our own habits, but also teach us something important, essential, and new about one another.
In using Voss’s tactics, I learned that my loved one’s situation perhaps wasn’t as bad as he thought it to be. I learned that he would be okay. The amazing part? He realized this as well—from himself. I also learned that my situation wasn’t as bad as I thought. And that I would be okay as well.
About the Writer
Janice Greenwood is a writer, surfer, and poet. She holds an M.F.A. in poetry and creative writing from Columbia University.